Usually I'm pretty sad when the Fab Five roll into someone's house. I was especially sad when they arrived at Remy's house but for a totally different reason. I was crying real tears not because the house was so disgusting, but because I knew that Bobby was going to destroy the '70s camp palace where Remy lives. It was his grandmother's house that he inherited, and it hadn't been redecorated since Ronald Reagan was still governor of California and no celebrity astrologer had ever been invited to the White House.
That is to say, the house was absolutely perfect. The front living room had Mountain Dew–green shag carpeting, yellow furniture, yellow drapes, and a huge printed mural on one accent wall. It is the closest I have ever seen a room in a real person's home look like the Jungle Room at Graceland. (The Jungle Room at Graceland is the centerpiece to every design Pinterest board I have ever made, which is to say the one design Pinterest board I ever made.)
Remy sleeps in the room that belonged to his mother growing up, which I find curious for a few reasons. My first question is, why doesn't he sleep in the master bedroom if he shares this place only with his cousin and roommate Ponder, who has the best name for a secondary reality-show character I have ever encountered in all of my years? Why they hell didn't Remy take the big room? Could the design possibly be so bad it kept him in his mother's room? She has yellow dresser and a yellow bed frame. The curtains are swagged in pink and purple like a quinceañera dress that is supposed to keep out the sunlight. There is a giant woodland mural on the wall. The only thing missing is a fake deer head to hang in the center of it. I would live there and build shelves to house a collection of antique cookie jars that I've been working on and maybe a few framed covers of gay porn magazines from the late '70s. I would like nothing more.
I hate to admit it, but Bobby didn't do such a bad job transforming the house. I figured he would eliminate all the character and make it look like the waiting area at a Chili's in Arlington, Virginia, which is sort of his design aesthetic, but he somehow managed to update it and maintain some of the very distinct character of the house. It seemed like he was going to ruin Remy's bedroom furniture when he just took the existing stuff and painted it a more "masculine" blue, but he really did transform it. Now it looks nice and retro without being garish.
Bobby kept some of Remy's grandmother's original art and some of the kitschy things she had in her kitchen and repurposed them. He even put up a new mural, one of a Cuban street scene in the living room and made it look less like the Jungle Room and more like a skateboard shop in a mall which, I'll be honest, isn't the worst look. So good job, Bobby. I give him major points for giving Remy a distinctive but totally new house, and I will just have to savage his design choices another day.
But Bobby was the only one of the Fab Five who was really working this episode. I have to say, other than the house, Remy didn't have that much to improve. Jonathan took him for a simple haircut and shave and his biggest contribution was getting Remy to floss with a Water Pick, which is some kind of device that sprays water into your mouth with a velocity usually reserved for Olympic lugers and drunk 20-somethings falling out of cabs in the vicinity of NYU. It makes an absolute mess. I mean, is regular flossing that hard? Even if it is, it's not going to leave spots all over your mirror and it doesn't require batteries or charging or anything.
Tan did have the challenge of getting gym rat Remy out of his habit of only wearing workout clothes, which I feel like is something he's going to be back to in a matter of weeks. Remy works from home. As someone who also toils on his couch, I will tell you that I go to the gym and then sit around in my smelly workout clothes until I bother to crawl into the shower somewhere around five minutes before I have contact with another human. (Some days that doesn't happen and I fall asleep in those stinky gym clothes with empty Thai food containers scattered all around the living room.) Tan gets him into some nice clothes, a little bit more dressed up but nothing major. Tan loves putting straight guys in a T-shirt with an undone short-sleeved button down over it. It's not a bad look, but he needs a few more tricks up his rolled-up sleeves.
Tan did find Remy's father's old hat in a closet. (They also found boxes of Remy's grandmother's old hats including a sequined beret that I am positive Jonathan shoved down his pants and brought back home to L.A. with him.) It is clearly the thing that Remy, who lost his father several years ago to an unexpected heart attack, loves the most. I don't have the heart to tell him that one shouldn't really wear a hat indoors unless you are any man in a nightclub or any woman in a church.
Antoni sort of took the week off and just went to hang out with Remy's mother Esther and stole all of her recipes. Ladies and gentlemen, Esther is a star. I would say that the Fab Five need to make her over so she could get some more screen time, but she is absolutely perfect just the way she is. Here is a mother that has no problem reading her sloppy son to filth on national television (or whatever the fuck we're calling Netflix), will bake a sweet-potato pie for a visiting homosexual, and then will read her son to filth again after he's improved, just to keep him humble. All of this while sporting the best hair this side of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Antoni shows Remy how to make mac-and-cheese, green beans, and a couple of other family staples so that he can start having holiday parties in his grandmother's house again. Esther promises to help him cook, and I would like Esther to promise to invite me because I have seen what she can do to a sweet-potato pie and I want in. Antoni also tells him to make a whiskey punch and is just like, "Oh, just throw some shit in a bowl with some ginger ale and you'll be fine." Antoni must be spending too much time with Karamo because he is doing the absolute least he could do this week.
As for Karamo, I don't know. He, like, took Remy to some kind of whiskey tasting or something. Then, as they're bro-ing out and drinking, Karamo tells the single Remy that a date would love something like this where he could tell the ladies all about how to drink whiskey. Um, excuse me? What woman wants to go out on a date and have brown liquor mansplained to her all night long? The only thing she would possibly like less is a trip to a cigar bar or maybe a guy who drags her to watch him play in his deck hockey league. Seriously.
Then Karamo made him a photo book or something with some bedazzled letters on the front. And I thought Antoni stealing all of Esther's recipes was doing the least. The only way I could possibly forgive Karamo for never having any clue what to do is if he filled that photo album of pictures of Remy's grandma's house before the renovation. Now that is something that should really be made into a coffee-table book.
*Washington Township is a township in Burlington County, New Jersey, United States. As of the 2010 United States Census, the township's population was 687 reflecting an increase of 66 (+10.6%) from the 621 counted in the 2000 Census, which had in turn declined by 184 (-22.9%) from the 805 counted in the 1990 Census. Washington was incorporated as a township by an act of the New Jersey Legislature on November 19, 1802, from portions of Evesham Township, Little Egg Harbor Township and Northampton Township (now known as Mount Holly Township, New Jersey). Portions of the township were taken to form Shamong Township (February 19, 1852), Bass River Township (March 30, 1864), Woodland Township (March 7, 1866) and Randolph Township (March 17, 1870, reannexed to Washington Township on March 28, 1893). The township was named for George Washington, one of more than ten communities statewide named for the first president. It is one of five municipalities in the state of New Jersey with the name "Washington Township". Another municipality, Washington Borough, is completely surrounded by Washington Township, Warren County. Contents 1 Geography 2 Demographics 2.1 Census 2010 2.2 Census 2000 3 Government 3.1 Local government 3.2 Federal, state and county representation 3.3 Politics 4 Education 5 Transportation 6 References 7 External links Geography According to the United States Census Bureau, the township had a total area of 102.706 square miles (266.006 km2), including 99.522 square miles (257.761 km2) of land and 3.184 square miles (8.245 km2) of water (3.10%). The township borders Bass River Township, Shamong Township, Tabernacle Township and Woodland Township in Burlington County; and Egg Harbor City, Hammonton and Port Republic in Atlantic County. Unincorporated communities, localities and place names located partially or completely within the township include Batsto, Bear Swamp Hill, Bridgeport, Bulltown, Crowleytown, Friendship Bogs, Green Bank, Hermon, Hog Islands, Jemima Mount, Jenkins, Jenkins Neck, Lower Bank, Mount, Penn Place, Pleasant Mills, Quaker Bridge, Tylertown and Washington. The township is one of 56 South Jersey municipalities that are included within the New Jersey Pinelands National Reserve, a protected natural area of unique ecology covering 1,100,000 acres (450,000 ha), that has been classified as a United States Biosphere Reserve and established by Congress in 1978 as the nation's first National Reserve. All of the township is included in the state-designated Pinelands Area, which includes portions of Burlington County, along with areas in Atlantic, Camden, Cape May, Cumberland, Gloucester and Ocean counties. Demographics Historical population Census Pop. %± 1810 1,273 — 1820 1,225 -3.8% 1830 1,315 7.3% 1840 1,630 24.0% 1850 2,010 23.3% 1860 1,723 * -14.3% 1870 609 * -64.7% 1880 389 * -36.1% 1890 310 -20.3% 1900 617 99.0% 1910 597 -3.2% 1920 500 -16.2% 1930 478 -4.4% 1940 518 8.4% 1950 566 9.3% 1960 541 -4.4% 1970 673 24.4% 1980 808 20.1% 1990 805 -0.4% 2000 621 -22.9% 2010 687 10.6% Est. 2014 673  -2.0% Population sources:1810-2000 1810-1920 1840 1850-1870 1850 1870 1880-1890 1890-1910 1910-1930 1930-1990 2000 2010 * = Lost territory in previous decade. Census 2010 At the 2010 United States Census, there were 687 people, 256 households, and 177.9 families residing in the township. The population density was 6.9 per square mile (2.7/km2). There were 284 housing units at an average density of 2.9 per square mile (1.1/km2). The racial makeup of the township was 93.89% (645) White, 1.89% (13) Black or African American, 0.00% (0) Native American, 0.15% (1) Asian, 0.00% (0) Pacific Islander, 3.64% (25) from other races, and 0.44% (3) from two or more races. Hispanics or Latinos of any race were 9.02% (62) of the population. There were 256 households, of which 25.4% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 55.5% were married couples living together, 7.4% had a female householder with no husband present, and 30.5% were non-families. 25.4% of all households were made up of individuals, and 10.2% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.63 and the average family size was 3.16. In the township, 18.3% of the population were under the age of 18, 11.5% from 18 to 24, 21.7% from 25 to 44, 33.5% from 45 to 64, and 15.0% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 43.9 years. For every 100 females there were 106.3 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 102.5 males. The Census Bureau's 2006-2010 American Community Survey showed that (in 2010 inflation-adjusted dollars) median household income was $96,250 (with a margin of error of +/- $21,869) and the median family income was $108,239 (+/- $9,762). Males had a median income of $19,946 (+/- $15,879) versus $41,250 (+/- $4,961) for females. The per capita income for the borough was $24,808 (+/- $10,822). About 0.0% of families and 21.1% of the population were below the poverty line, including 0.0% of those under age 18 and 0.0% of those age 65 or over. Census 2000 As of the 2000 United States Census there were 621 people, 160 households, and 112 families residing in the township. The population density was 6.2 people per square mile (2.4/km²). There were 171 housing units at an average density of 1.7 per square mile (0.7/km²). The racial makeup of the township was 83.57% White, 2.90% African American, 0.32% Asian, 12.08% from other races, and 1.13% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 17.07% of the population. There were 160 households out of which 35.6% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 61.3% were married couples living together, 6.3% had a female householder with no husband present, and 29.4% were non-families. 24.4% of all households were made up of individuals and 12.5% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.76 and the average family size was 3.27. In the township the population was spread out with 29.3% under the age of 18, 3.5% from 18 to 24, 23.8% from 25 to 44, 19.0% from 45 to 64, and 24.3% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 41 years. For every 100 females there were 92.3 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 86.8 males. The median income for a household in the township was $41,250, and the median income for a family was $42,188. Males had a median income of $32,000 versus $31,719 for females. The per capita income for the township was $13,977. About 8.0% of families and 16.0% of the population were below the poverty line, including 22.4% of those under age 18 and 13.9% of those age 65 or over. Government Local government Washington Township is governed under the Township form of government. The governing body is a three-member Township Committee, whose members are elected directly by the voters at-large in partisan elections to serve three-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with one seat coming up for election each year as part of the November general election in a three-year cycle. At an annual reorganization meeting, the Township Committee selects one of its members to serve as Mayor. As of 2015, the members of the Washington Township Council are Mayor Dudley Lewis (R, term on committee ends December 31, 2016; term as mayor ends 2015), Barry F. Cavileer (R, 2015) and Daniel L. James (R, 2017). Federal, state and county representation Washington Township is located in the 2nd Congressional District and is part of New Jersey's 9th state legislative district. New Jersey's Second Congressional District is represented by Frank LoBiondo (R, Ventnor City). New Jersey is represented in the United States Senate by Cory Booker (D, Newark, term ends 2021) and Bob Menendez (D, Paramus, 2019). For the 2014-15 Session, the 9th District of the New Jersey Legislature is represented in the State Senate by Christopher J. Connors (R, Lacey Township) and in the General Assembly by DiAnne Gove (R, Long Beach Township) and Brian E. Rumpf (R, Little Egg Harbor Township). The Governor of New Jersey is Chris Christie (R, Mendham Township). The Lieutenant Governor of New Jersey is Kim Guadagno (R, Monmouth Beach). Burlington County is governed by a Board of chosen freeholders, whose five members are elected at-large in partisan elections to three-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with either one or two seats coming up for election each year. The board chooses a director and deputy director from among its members at an annual reorganization meeting held in January. As of 2015, Burlington County's Freeholders are Director Mary Ann O'Brien (R, Medford Township, 2017; Director of Administration and Human Services), Deputy Director Bruce Garganio (R, Florence Township, 2017; Director of Public Works and Health), Aimee Belgard (D, Edgewater Park Township, 2015; Director of Hospital, Medical Services and Education) Joseph Donnelly (R, Cinnaminson Township, 2016; Director of Public Safety, Natural Resources, and Education) and Joanne Schwartz (D, Southampton Township, 2015; Director of Health and Corrections). Constitutional officers are County Clerk Tim Tyler, Sheriff Jean E. Stanfield and Surrogate George T. Kotch. Politics As of March 23, 2011, there were a total of 536 registered voters in Washington Township, of which 85 (15.9% vs. 33.3% countywide) were registered as Democrats, 271 (50.6% vs. 23.9%) were registered as Republicans and 180 (33.6% vs. 42.8%) were registered as Unaffiliated. There were no voters registered to other parties. Among the township's 2010 Census population, 78.0% (vs. 61.7% in Burlington County) were registered to vote, including 95.5% of those ages 18 and over (vs. 80.3% countywide). In the 2012 presidential election, Republican Mitt Romney received 221 votes (59.2% vs. 40.2% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barack Obama with 142 votes (38.1% vs. 58.1%) and other candidates with 7 votes (1.9% vs. 1.0%), among the 373 ballots cast by the township's 533 registered voters, for a turnout of 70.0% (vs. 74.5% in Burlington County). In the 2008 presidential election, Republican John McCain received 250 votes (57.9% vs. 39.9% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barack Obama with 168 votes (38.9% vs. 58.4%) and other candidates with 11 votes (2.5% vs. 1.0%), among the 432 ballots cast by the township's 545 registered voters, for a turnout of 79.3% (vs. 80.0% in Burlington County). In the 2004 presidential election, Republican George W. Bush received 272 votes (62.1% vs. 46.0% countywide), ahead of Democrat John Kerry with 160 votes (36.5% vs. 52.9%) and other candidates with 4 votes (0.9% vs. 0.8%), among the 438 ballots cast by the township's 558 registered voters, for a turnout of 78.5% (vs. 78.8% in the whole county). In the 2013 gubernatorial election, Republican Chris Christie received 156 votes (66.4% vs. 61.4% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barbara Buono with 61 votes (26.0% vs. 35.8%) and other candidates with 10 votes (4.3% vs. 1.2%), among the 235 ballots cast by the township's 509 registered voters, yielding a 46.2% turnout (vs. 44.5% in the county). In the 2009 gubernatorial election, Republican Chris Christie received 186 votes (62.4% vs. 47.7% countywide), ahead of Democrat Jon Corzine with 91 votes (30.5% vs. 44.5%), Independent Chris Daggett with 17 votes (5.7% vs. 4.8%) and other candidates with 2 votes (0.7% vs. 1.2%), among the 298 ballots cast by the township's 552 registered voters, yielding a 54.0% turnout (vs. 44.9% in the county). Education The Washington Township School District serves students in public school for pre-Kindergarten through eighth grade at Green Bank Elementary School. As of the 2012-13 school year, the district's one school had an enrollment of 37 students and 4.7 classroom teachers (on an FTE basis), for a student–teacher ratio of 7.81:1. The school's $5.4 million building opened in September 2006. Since the 2007-08 school year, as part of an agreement with the Mullica Township Schools, Washington Township receives teaching support from the Mullica district and shares its superintendent, business administrator and other support staff. Washington Township students in grades five through eight attend Mullica Township Middle School as part of a program that has expanded since it was initiated in the 2007-08 school year. Students in ninth through twelfth grades attend Cedar Creek High School, which is located in the northern section of Egg Harbor City and opened to students in September 2010. The school is one of three high schools operated as part of the Greater Egg Harbor Regional High School District, which also includes the constituent municipalities of Egg Harbor City, Galloway Township, Hamilton Township, and Mullica Township, and participates in sending/receiving relationships with Port Republic and Washington Township. Cedar Creek High School is zoned to serve students from Egg Harbor City, Mullica Township, Port Republic and Washington Township, while students in portions of Galloway and Hamilton townships have the can attend Cedar Creek as an option or to participate in magnet programs at the school. Prior to the opening of Cedar Creek, students from Washington Township had attended Oakcrest High School, together with students from Hamilton Township, Mullica Township and Port Republic. Students from Washington Township, and from all of Burlington County, are eligible to attend the Burlington County Institute of Technology, a countywide public school district that serves the vocational and technical education needs of students at the high school and post-secondary level at its campuses in Medford and Westampton Township. Transportation As of May 2010, the township had a total of 54.31 miles (87.40 km) of roadways, of which 29.32 miles (47.19 km) were maintained by the municipality and 24.99 miles (40.22 km) by Burlington County. The only major roads that pass through are County Road 542 and County Road 563. Limited access roads are accessible in neighboring communities, including the Atlantic City Expressway in Hammonton and the Garden State Parkway in Galloway Township, Port Republic and Bass River Township.
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