Tuesday, 13 February 2018

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Birthday Brats

First of all, did we ever find out exactly how Katie fell through a skylight? Seriously, guys: I'm still on that from last week's episode of Vanderpump Rules, The Breakfast Club recast with sentient omelets. Yes, she gets a giant bouquet from porcelain-faced party planner Kevin Lee for calling her. (You can say a lot about Lisa Vanderpump, but you can't say she doesn't know how to make great TV.) Katie also gets an "apology" from him where he says, "I'm sorry," in the tone that most people use to say "excuse me" when somebody is blocking the aisle in a supermarket. So, yes, that storyline is over, but I still have not had an adequate explanation for why Katie fell through a skylight. Could she please write a 500-word essay describing the events leading up to this accident? Thank you.

Speaking of Katie, this episode is really all about women learning to love their bodies. Even Ariana finally goes to see a therapist to talk about how she really doesn't like her own vagina. My traditional warning about how any therapist willing to go on reality television is not worth having withstanding, I'm glad that she's finally going to talk to someone about this.

That is because Ariana is hot. She is hotter than the surface of Mercury during a solar flare. She is hotter than the inside of a McDonald's apple pie when you first bite into it. She is hotter than an orgy video of every athlete in the Olympic village having sex at the same exact time in a pool of sriracha. That is how hot she is, and if she is not using that puss of hers to bewitch and beguile someone else, then Tom Sandoval is going to start schtupping his business partner or something. And I don't mean Lisa. (I mean Ken Todd.)

They actually have a very real moment on the couch together where Tom tells Ariana that they used to have sex multiple times a week and he needs to be getting a little bit more. She asks for patience and tells him that she is trying to fix it, but then she says something that really hits home. She says that feeling sexy is about confidence and confidence is mainly an act. It's easy to have that act with a stranger, when you're playing a version of yourself, one that twerks and pours champagne down her bikini and uses vibrating cock rings. But it's harder to perpetuate that lie with someone who knows you intimately, who knows that that multi-orgasmic Barbarella is nothing more than a limp fa├žade. Ariana's inability to have sex is not about drifting away, but about getting too close. That is something profound.

Of course Tom and Ariana are also getting ready for her "Kings and Queens" birthday party, the theme of which seems to spring from the fact that Ariana's twink friend has a dance single with the same name so, okay, fine. Ariana shows up looking like the Virgin Mary on top, with a metal halo and a long blonde wig, but the bottom half looks like a slutty American Apparel (RIP) model in a gold bathing suit. Does this really look like a girl who won't show her bare skin unless it's covered in makeup? No, it does not, but whatever.

Ariana, her brother Jeremy (who looked like the Third Earl Garcia, the leading monarch of a Grateful Dead concert), and the artist formerly known as Jax (dressed in a white tuxedo jacket and a Party City crown) are really the only other two who understood the theme. Lala and Scheana show up dressed for Halloween, in that they are just dressed slutty. They are literally wearing lingerie underneath fur coats. I get it, they're hot and want to be slutty. That's fine. But all they had to do was add a crown to that same ensemble and it would have been a queen. I would have even given them bonus points for She-Ra Princess of Power or something like that, but that seems like advanced-level costume planning and these two are more concerned about Snapchat filters than they are actually getting the theme right.

Now we have to talk about Tom Sandoval, who looks amazing in a professional costume and black-out contact lenses with a black sequin headdress. He looks like a dark wizard or something, or maybe a male witch. We can call him Male-ificent. It is a great costume, but it's not giving me "king" as much as it's giving me, "I used to have a goth band in high school and now I know a professional costumer."

Both Ariana's party and Stassi's competing party across town both seem like classic Real Housewives parties in that they are themed, incredibly elaborate, and mostly empty. Stassi's looked like it is in a half-finished basement on a cul-de-sac somewhere in suburban Atlanta. It does not look like a classy venue at all, which is good for a death-themed birthday party. (The irony of that is lost on everyone.)

Oh also, Stassi, Kristen, and Katie, the three-headed Gorgon of bad birthdays, did their makeup together and Stassi was going for a corpse of a hot girl, but one who hasn't been dead long. Kristen was going for a slut in a morgue. I don't know what Katie was going for, but it looks like she just has a healing bruise on one cheek.

My favorite part of Stassi's party is that everyone shows up in a theme-appropriate costume except for Peter, the SUR manager who only ever wears blandly tight sweaters. Of course that is what Peter would wear to this death party. You can see him sitting at home thinking, "Oh, I could bother to put a little zombie flesh on my face and take 20 minutes to get into the spirit of things … or I could just wear a tight sweater. Yeah, I'll do that. Whatever." That is the most Peter thing alive, to be kind of adjacent to everything, but not willing to put in the effort to be fully there.

The other person not in any costume at all is Stassi's boyfriend, Patrick. For the first time, I understand why these two are together and they completely deserve each other. But I also see why they break up so much. They are both just the most self-involved people with over-inflated senses of their own worth that I have ever seen on my television screen and I am currently waist-deep in the first season of Celebrity Big Brother. They're like the positive poles of two magnets, pushing each other away where there should be attraction. He goes to Amsterdam without her, she tries to sext, he's not into it, she starts a fight, and he blocks her on his phone. That is their relationship in a nutshell: Drawing each other in only to push them away.

But the really stupid fight happens because Stassi doesn't want to take a shot out of a stripper's butt at her own birthday party in front of her boyfriend and her family. I don't blame her, but to run down the street, her mind racing on a potent concoction of tequila and Adderall, is not the right way for this to end. But it is for Stassi, really. We've seen so many of her birthdays, and what she loves about them is that it is the one day every year that she can completely impose her ridiculous will on everyone. She gets to explode and behave horribly and have everyone coddle her and call them back into the folds of their bosom to quell the aching fire of self-doubt that burns in her brain like a never-extinguished star that is galaxies away.

As Katie and Kristen chase after her down the street, Tom Schwartz was left a little bit alone at the bar. His best friend Tom Sandoval was in a ridiculous costume across town and he was three Jager bombs deep at this point. His wife was nowhere to be found and the gorgeous cashmere-coated mounds of Peter's form were standing right in front of him. "Hey Peter," Tom said, reaching out to place his open palm on Peter's round shoulder and then smooth it down the firm, rippling flank of his back before letting it firmly rest on the slow rise of his buttocks. "Want a piece of cake?" Peter's smile matched Tom's and in a room full of fake death, they turned to face one another with a sigh that could resuscitate even the deadest of hearts.

*Washington Township is a township in Burlington County, New Jersey, United States. As of the 2010 United States Census, the township's population was 687[8][9][10] reflecting an increase of 66 (+10.6%) from the 621 counted in the 2000 Census, which had in turn declined by 184 (-22.9%) from the 805 counted in the 1990 Census.[18] Washington was incorporated as a township by an act of the New Jersey Legislature on November 19, 1802, from portions of Evesham Township, Little Egg Harbor Township and Northampton Township (now known as Mount Holly Township, New Jersey). Portions of the township were taken to form Shamong Township (February 19, 1852), Bass River Township (March 30, 1864), Woodland Township (March 7, 1866) and Randolph Township (March 17, 1870, reannexed to Washington Township on March 28, 1893).[19][20] The township was named for George Washington, one of more than ten communities statewide named for the first president.[21][22] It is one of five municipalities in the state of New Jersey with the name "Washington Township".[23] Another municipality, Washington Borough, is completely surrounded by Washington Township, Warren County. Contents 1 Geography 2 Demographics 2.1 Census 2010 2.2 Census 2000 3 Government 3.1 Local government 3.2 Federal, state and county representation 3.3 Politics 4 Education 5 Transportation 6 References 7 External links Geography According to the United States Census Bureau, the township had a total area of 102.706 square miles (266.006 km2), including 99.522 square miles (257.761 km2) of land and 3.184 square miles (8.245 km2) of water (3.10%).[1][2] The township borders Bass River Township, Shamong Township, Tabernacle Township and Woodland Township in Burlington County; and Egg Harbor City, Hammonton and Port Republic in Atlantic County.[24] Unincorporated communities, localities and place names located partially or completely within the township include Batsto, Bear Swamp Hill, Bridgeport, Bulltown, Crowleytown, Friendship Bogs, Green Bank, Hermon, Hog Islands, Jemima Mount, Jenkins, Jenkins Neck, Lower Bank, Mount, Penn Place, Pleasant Mills, Quaker Bridge, Tylertown and Washington.[25] The township is one of 56 South Jersey municipalities that are included within the New Jersey Pinelands National Reserve, a protected natural area of unique ecology covering 1,100,000 acres (450,000 ha), that has been classified as a United States Biosphere Reserve and established by Congress in 1978 as the nation's first National Reserve.[26] All of the township is included in the state-designated Pinelands Area, which includes portions of Burlington County, along with areas in Atlantic, Camden, Cape May, Cumberland, Gloucester and Ocean counties.[27] Demographics Historical population Census Pop. %± 1810 1,273 — 1820 1,225 -3.8% 1830 1,315 7.3% 1840 1,630 24.0% 1850 2,010 23.3% 1860 1,723 * -14.3% 1870 609 * -64.7% 1880 389 * -36.1% 1890 310 -20.3% 1900 617 99.0% 1910 597 -3.2% 1920 500 -16.2% 1930 478 -4.4% 1940 518 8.4% 1950 566 9.3% 1960 541 -4.4% 1970 673 24.4% 1980 808 20.1% 1990 805 -0.4% 2000 621 -22.9% 2010 687 10.6% Est. 2014 673 [11][28] -2.0% Population sources:1810-2000[29] 1810-1920[30] 1840[31] 1850-1870[32] 1850[33] 1870[34] 1880-1890[35] 1890-1910[36] 1910-1930[37] 1930-1990[38] 2000[39][40] 2010[8][9][10] * = Lost territory in previous decade.[19] Census 2010 At the 2010 United States Census, there were 687 people, 256 households, and 177.9 families residing in the township. The population density was 6.9 per square mile (2.7/km2). There were 284 housing units at an average density of 2.9 per square mile (1.1/km2). The racial makeup of the township was 93.89% (645) White, 1.89% (13) Black or African American, 0.00% (0) Native American, 0.15% (1) Asian, 0.00% (0) Pacific Islander, 3.64% (25) from other races, and 0.44% (3) from two or more races. Hispanics or Latinos of any race were 9.02% (62) of the population.[8] There were 256 households, of which 25.4% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 55.5% were married couples living together, 7.4% had a female householder with no husband present, and 30.5% were non-families. 25.4% of all households were made up of individuals, and 10.2% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.63 and the average family size was 3.16.[8] In the township, 18.3% of the population were under the age of 18, 11.5% from 18 to 24, 21.7% from 25 to 44, 33.5% from 45 to 64, and 15.0% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 43.9 years. For every 100 females there were 106.3 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 102.5 males.[8] The Census Bureau's 2006-2010 American Community Survey showed that (in 2010 inflation-adjusted dollars) median household income was $96,250 (with a margin of error of +/- $21,869) and the median family income was $108,239 (+/- $9,762). Males had a median income of $19,946 (+/- $15,879) versus $41,250 (+/- $4,961) for females. The per capita income for the borough was $24,808 (+/- $10,822). About 0.0% of families and 21.1% of the population were below the poverty line, including 0.0% of those under age 18 and 0.0% of those age 65 or over.[41] Census 2000 As of the 2000 United States Census[15] there were 621 people, 160 households, and 112 families residing in the township. The population density was 6.2 people per square mile (2.4/km²). There were 171 housing units at an average density of 1.7 per square mile (0.7/km²). The racial makeup of the township was 83.57% White, 2.90% African American, 0.32% Asian, 12.08% from other races, and 1.13% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 17.07% of the population.[39][40] There were 160 households out of which 35.6% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 61.3% were married couples living together, 6.3% had a female householder with no husband present, and 29.4% were non-families. 24.4% of all households were made up of individuals and 12.5% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.76 and the average family size was 3.27.[39][40] In the township the population was spread out with 29.3% under the age of 18, 3.5% from 18 to 24, 23.8% from 25 to 44, 19.0% from 45 to 64, and 24.3% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 41 years. For every 100 females there were 92.3 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 86.8 males.[39][40] The median income for a household in the township was $41,250, and the median income for a family was $42,188. Males had a median income of $32,000 versus $31,719 for females. The per capita income for the township was $13,977. About 8.0% of families and 16.0% of the population were below the poverty line, including 22.4% of those under age 18 and 13.9% of those age 65 or over.[39][40] Government Local government Washington Township is governed under the Township form of government. The governing body is a three-member Township Committee, whose members are elected directly by the voters at-large in partisan elections to serve three-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with one seat coming up for election each year as part of the November general election in a three-year cycle.[6][42] At an annual reorganization meeting, the Township Committee selects one of its members to serve as Mayor. As of 2015, the members of the Washington Township Council are Mayor Dudley Lewis (R, term on committee ends December 31, 2016; term as mayor ends 2015), Barry F. Cavileer (R, 2015) and Daniel L. James (R, 2017).[3][43][44][45][46] Federal, state and county representation Washington Township is located in the 2nd Congressional District[47] and is part of New Jersey's 9th state legislative district.[9][48][49] New Jersey's Second Congressional District is represented by Frank LoBiondo (R, Ventnor City).[50] New Jersey is represented in the United States Senate by Cory Booker (D, Newark, term ends 2021)[51] and Bob Menendez (D, Paramus, 2019).[52][53] For the 2014-15 Session, the 9th District of the New Jersey Legislature is represented in the State Senate by Christopher J. Connors (R, Lacey Township) and in the General Assembly by DiAnne Gove (R, Long Beach Township) and Brian E. Rumpf (R, Little Egg Harbor Township).[54] The Governor of New Jersey is Chris Christie (R, Mendham Township).[55] The Lieutenant Governor of New Jersey is Kim Guadagno (R, Monmouth Beach).[56] Burlington County is governed by a Board of chosen freeholders, whose five members are elected at-large in partisan elections to three-year terms of office on a staggered basis, with either one or two seats coming up for election each year.[57] The board chooses a director and deputy director from among its members at an annual reorganization meeting held in January.[57] As of 2015, Burlington County's Freeholders are Director Mary Ann O'Brien (R, Medford Township, 2017; Director of Administration and Human Services),[58] Deputy Director Bruce Garganio (R, Florence Township, 2017; Director of Public Works and Health),[59] Aimee Belgard (D, Edgewater Park Township, 2015; Director of Hospital, Medical Services and Education)[60] Joseph Donnelly (R, Cinnaminson Township, 2016; Director of Public Safety, Natural Resources, and Education)[61] and Joanne Schwartz (D, Southampton Township, 2015; Director of Health and Corrections).[62][57] Constitutional officers are County Clerk Tim Tyler,[63] Sheriff Jean E. Stanfield[64] and Surrogate George T. Kotch.[65] Politics As of March 23, 2011, there were a total of 536 registered voters in Washington Township, of which 85 (15.9% vs. 33.3% countywide) were registered as Democrats, 271 (50.6% vs. 23.9%) were registered as Republicans and 180 (33.6% vs. 42.8%) were registered as Unaffiliated. There were no voters registered to other parties.[66] Among the township's 2010 Census population, 78.0% (vs. 61.7% in Burlington County) were registered to vote, including 95.5% of those ages 18 and over (vs. 80.3% countywide).[66][67] In the 2012 presidential election, Republican Mitt Romney received 221 votes (59.2% vs. 40.2% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barack Obama with 142 votes (38.1% vs. 58.1%) and other candidates with 7 votes (1.9% vs. 1.0%), among the 373 ballots cast by the township's 533 registered voters, for a turnout of 70.0% (vs. 74.5% in Burlington County).[68][69] In the 2008 presidential election, Republican John McCain received 250 votes (57.9% vs. 39.9% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barack Obama with 168 votes (38.9% vs. 58.4%) and other candidates with 11 votes (2.5% vs. 1.0%), among the 432 ballots cast by the township's 545 registered voters, for a turnout of 79.3% (vs. 80.0% in Burlington County).[70] In the 2004 presidential election, Republican George W. Bush received 272 votes (62.1% vs. 46.0% countywide), ahead of Democrat John Kerry with 160 votes (36.5% vs. 52.9%) and other candidates with 4 votes (0.9% vs. 0.8%), among the 438 ballots cast by the township's 558 registered voters, for a turnout of 78.5% (vs. 78.8% in the whole county).[71] In the 2013 gubernatorial election, Republican Chris Christie received 156 votes (66.4% vs. 61.4% countywide), ahead of Democrat Barbara Buono with 61 votes (26.0% vs. 35.8%) and other candidates with 10 votes (4.3% vs. 1.2%), among the 235 ballots cast by the township's 509 registered voters, yielding a 46.2% turnout (vs. 44.5% in the county).[72][73] In the 2009 gubernatorial election, Republican Chris Christie received 186 votes (62.4% vs. 47.7% countywide), ahead of Democrat Jon Corzine with 91 votes (30.5% vs. 44.5%), Independent Chris Daggett with 17 votes (5.7% vs. 4.8%) and other candidates with 2 votes (0.7% vs. 1.2%), among the 298 ballots cast by the township's 552 registered voters, yielding a 54.0% turnout (vs. 44.9% in the county).[74] Education The Washington Township School District serves students in public school for pre-Kindergarten through eighth grade at Green Bank Elementary School. As of the 2012-13 school year, the district's one school had an enrollment of 37 students and 4.7 classroom teachers (on an FTE basis), for a student–teacher ratio of 7.81:1.[75] The school's $5.4 million building opened in September 2006.[76] Since the 2007-08 school year, as part of an agreement with the Mullica Township Schools, Washington Township receives teaching support from the Mullica district and shares its superintendent, business administrator and other support staff. Washington Township students in grades five through eight attend Mullica Township Middle School as part of a program that has expanded since it was initiated in the 2007-08 school year.[77][78][79][80] Students in ninth through twelfth grades attend Cedar Creek High School, which is located in the northern section of Egg Harbor City and opened to students in September 2010.[81] The school is one of three high schools operated as part of the Greater Egg Harbor Regional High School District, which also includes the constituent municipalities of Egg Harbor City, Galloway Township, Hamilton Township, and Mullica Township, and participates in sending/receiving relationships with Port Republic and Washington Township.[82][83] Cedar Creek High School is zoned to serve students from Egg Harbor City, Mullica Township, Port Republic and Washington Township, while students in portions of Galloway and Hamilton townships have the can attend Cedar Creek as an option or to participate in magnet programs at the school.[84][85] Prior to the opening of Cedar Creek, students from Washington Township had attended Oakcrest High School, together with students from Hamilton Township, Mullica Township and Port Republic.[86] Students from Washington Township, and from all of Burlington County, are eligible to attend the Burlington County Institute of Technology, a countywide public school district that serves the vocational and technical education needs of students at the high school and post-secondary level at its campuses in Medford and Westampton Township.[87] Transportation As of May 2010, the township had a total of 54.31 miles (87.40 km) of roadways, of which 29.32 miles (47.19 km) were maintained by the municipality and 24.99 miles (40.22 km) by Burlington County.[88] The only major roads that pass through are County Road 542 and County Road 563. Limited access roads are accessible in neighboring communities, including the Atlantic City Expressway in Hammonton and the Garden State Parkway in Galloway Township, Port Republic and Bass River Township.
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